Ancient Chinese Primers
by Night-Mare-Chan
Summary: Ever wonder what school kids in ancient China had to read...?
1. Volume I

Ancient Chinese Primers

Volume. I

Suzaku Seishi and Friends!

See Kouji.

See Kouji talk.

There is no one in the room.

See Kouji talk to himself.

Strange, Kouji, Strange.

See Tasuki.

See Tasuki run.

Tasuki can run very fast.

See Tasuki run from his psychotic sisters.

Run, Tasuki, Run!

See Hotohori.

Hotohori is sparkling.

Hotohori is calling himself beautiful.

See no one find this strange.

Sparkle, Hotohori, sparkle.

See Nuriko.

Nuriko is fruity.

See Nuriko cross-dress.

Cross-dress, Nuriko, Cross-dress!

See Tasuki laugh at Nuriko.

See Nuriko punch Tasuki through a wall.

Punch, Nuriko, punch

See Tamahome.

See Tamahome chase after money.

See Tamahome chase after Miaka.

See Tamahome get beaten over the head by a Tessen.

Poor Tamahome.

See Tamahome kick Tasuki through the roof.

See Mitsukake.

See Mitsukake heal Tasuki.

Heal, Mitsukake, heal!

See Mitsukake grumble because he doesn't have enough lines.

See Mitsukake go on a rampage and give everyone the evil eye.

See no one notice Mitsukake.

See Mitsukake streak through the palace halls.

See no one notice Mitsukake.

See Mitsukake catch a fish.

See Chichiri catch more.

See no one notice Mitsukake.

See Chichiri.

Chichiri is kawaii!

Everyone loves Chichiri.

See Chichiri going SD.

See a swarm of groupies Shang hai'ng Chichiri.

See Chichiri scream for help.

See Mitsukake just snrk and watch.

Bye bye, Chichiri.

And _Helloooo._

heh heh heh

Do not see Chiriko.

Chiriko is short.

Chiriko only had twenty or so lines in his final scene.

See Chiriko lose it.

See Chiriko tie everyone in a lot of string and take away Hotohori's mirror.

See Hotohori cry.

See Chiriko cackle.

See Mitsukake cackle.

See them both wake up because it was all a dream.

See them sigh and go about their day.

See no one notice Chiriko or Mitsukake.

See Miaka.

See Miaka eat.

See Miaka glomp Tamahome.

See Miaka eat.

See Miaka glomp Tamahome.

See Miaka get into trouble.

See Miaka get saved.

See Miaka glomp Tamahome.

See Miaka eat.

See Miaka eat etc, etc.

------

Don't own Fushigi Yuugi of course.  
Very very belated thanks to Kelfin for the rec. I just found it. Who knew?


	2. Volume II

Ancient Chinese Primers V. II

:Or:

Primers for Secondary Readers  
-----

Seiryuu Seishi and...friends?

-----

See Ashitare.  
See Ashitare pant.  
Cute, Ashitare, cute!  
See Ashitare bite off a man's arm and use it as a chew toy.  
Scary, Ashitare, scary.  
See all the nice people run from Ashitare.

See Suboshi.  
See Suboshi hug his brother.  
See Suboshi go psychotic.  
See Suboshi do massive property damage with his yo-yo things.  
See all the other nice people run from Suboshi...right to Ashitare.  
Stupid, people, stupid.

See Amiboshi.  
See Amiboshi play his flute.  
See people falling asleep.  
Sleep, people, sleep.  
Hear Amiboshi change tunes.  
See people drop off like flies.  
Die, people, die.  
See Amiboshi stop Suboshi's property damage.  
See a happy Amiboshi.  
See a happy Suboshi.  
See an unhappy and hungry Ashitare.  
See Ashitare chase Amiboshi and Suboshi.  
Run, twins, run!

See Miboshi.  
See Miboshi laughing and terrorizing yet some other nice people with his baby rattle.  
See other nice people run right into Ashitare's path.  
See nice but stupid people become Ashie-treats.  
See Miboshi possess the body of a rat.  
See the rat get trampled by the running twins.  
Flat, rat, flat!

See Tomo.  
See Tomo cackle.  
See Tomo see Nakago.  
See Tomo go after Nakago.  
See Tomo run into Soi.  
See Tomo and Soi fight.  
Fight, Tomo, fight.  
See Tomo cackling because Soi is fighting an illusion of him.  
Tricky, Tomo, Tricky.

See the twins run into Tomo.  
See them all go down in a pile.  
See Tomo 'accidentally' grope Amiboshi.  
See Amiboshi freak and mow down Ashitare.  
See Tomo cackle.  
Cackle, Tomo, cackle!

See Soi.  
See Soi fight.  
See Soi zapping illusion and run over to Nakago. See Soi hang on to Nakago.  
See Soi whisper in Nakago's ear.  
See Soi and Nakago go into a tent that fell from a plot hole.  
See a blank screen because this part has been edited out for young eyes.  
Hear Soi give Nakago a 'chi' raising experience.  
Raise, Soi, raise!

See Nakago.  
See Nakago powerful because of Soi.  
See Nakago smirk.  
See Nakago kiss Soi.  
See Nakago find  
Tamahome.  
See Nakago whip Tamahome.  
Whip, Nakago, whip!

See Nakago find Miaka.  
See Nakago kiss Miaka.  
Gross, Nakago, gross!  
See Nakago kiss Tamahome.  
Worse, Nakago, worse!  
See Nakago kiss Tomo.  
See author laughing because all the fans of a Nakago/Tomo pairing are drooling when she was only kidding.  
See author get hit by a brick.

Do not see Nakago take off his armor.  
See Nakago sleep in his armor.  
See Nakago bathe in his armor.  
Weird, Nakago, weird.

See Nakago taunt.  
Taunt, Nakago, taunt!  
See Nakago smile and make the peace sign.  
Oh! That is not Nakago.  
That is Chichiri disguised as Nakago!  
Kawaii, Chichiri kawaii.

See Chichiri get caught by the fangirls again and taken away.  
See Chichiri cry for help.  
See the Seiryuu seishi look blank.  
See Mitsukake snrk.  
See Chiriko snrk.

See fangirls tie Chichiri up.  
See censor screen appear again.  
Go, censor screen, go!

Standard Disclaimers Apply


	3. Volume III

Ancient Chinese Primers V. III

Taiitsukun and...um...friends...

----

See Taiitsukun.  
See Taiitsukun glare.  
Scary, Taiitsukun, Scary!  
See Taiitsukun hit Hotohori over the head with a mallet.  
Dent, Taiitsukun, Dent!

See Nyan-nyan.  
See Nyan-nyan act kawaii!  
Kawaii, Nyan-nyan, kawaii!  
See Nyan-nyan get on Taiitsukun's nerves.  
See Taiitsukun chi blast the Nyan-nyan through a wall.  
Poor Nyan-nyan!

Hear happy voices.  
See Nyan-nyan bounce right back into the room to annoy Taiitsukun all over again.  
Happy, Nyan-nyan, happy!

See Keisuke.  
See Keisuke borrow money.  
Borrow, Keisuke, borrow!  
See Keisuke panic!  
Panic, Keisuke, panic!  
See Tetsuya snap becasue Keisuke has asked one too many times for a loan.  
Run, Keisuke, run!

See Tetsuya.  
See Tetsuya run after Keisuke with a blunt object.  
Hear Keisuke scream.  
Hear Tetsuya scream.  
See Tetsuya's sunglasses fall off and he is blinded by the sudden light.  
Safe, Keisuke, safe!

See Tama.  
See Tama purr.  
See Tama cross-dress.  
See Tama dress up as Soi and get hit by a fly swatter.  
Poor Tama!  
See Tama riding in Mitsukake's shirt.  
See Tama riding in Chichiri's kesa.  
See Tama frantically try to get the seishi's attention that there is a monster behind them while they all stare lovingly at Miaka.  
See monster squash seishi and miko.  
Oh darn.  
See Tama shrug.  
Shrug, Tama, shrug.

See Kouji.  
Wonder why Kouji is here again.  
See Kouji answer a door.  
See Kouji get pulled through the door by the fangirls of Chichiri's seiyuu.  
Bye bye, Kouji!

See Yui.  
See Yui get mad because she was left out of the Seiryuu section.  
See Yui tell Nakago to destroy author because author left her out.  
See Nakago raise his hand.  
See author run for her dear life!  
Run, author, run!

AAAAH--

See author wake up from a chi blast hangover.  
Hurting, author, hurting.  
See author pick up with story.  
Write, author, write.

See a woman with blue hair.  
Wonder who this woman is.  
Oh wait! This is not a woman!  
This is Chichiri disguised as a woman!  
Wonder why Chichiri is acting like Nuriko.  
See fangirls carry Chichiri away again.

See Mitsukake snrk.  
Snrk, Mitsukake, snrk.  
See the Legendary Laurelgand.  
See Mitsukake panic.  
See Mitsukake run.  
See the Legendary Laurelgand chase.  
Chase, Laurel, chase!  
See Laurelgand send out her maneating sweater.  
See maneating sweater wrap around Mitsukake's legs.

See Mitsukake fall.  
Fall, Mitsukake, fall.  
See Laurel drag Mitsukake away.  
See censor screen come up because we really don't want to know.

See Chiriko all alone.  
See author come out of plot hole space and glomp Chiriko.  
See author drag Chiriko away.  
See Chiriko struggle.  
Struggle, Chiriko, struggle.  
See Chiriko cry for help.  
See Chichiri snrk

---

Standard disclaimers apply.

Laurel was a huge Mitsukake lover back in the day. I think she had a whole website dedicated to him. Well who wouldn't?


	4. Volume IV

Ancient Chinese Primers:  
Volume IV

Genbu and Byakko Seishi and…acquaintances

See Tokaki.  
See Tokaki grope.  
Grope, Tokaki, grope!  
See Tokaki get whapped over the head by Subaru.  
See Tokaki apologize to Subaru.  
Sorry, Tokaki, sorry.  
See Tokaki start to grope Subaru.  
See Subaru sweatdrop.

See Subaru.  
See Subaru getting married to the pervert.  
See Subaru dragging the pervert away from the gang of pretty girls he's been chasing all morning.  
Drag, Subaru, drag.

See Tatara.  
Tatara's name is fun to say.  
See chorus of fangirls happily chanting Tatara's name.  
See Tatara's eye twitch.  
Twitch, Tatara, twitch.  
See chorus of fangirls still chanting Tatara's name.  
See Tatara lose it.  
See Tatara start chanting his own name and start dancing with Tokaki.  
See Subaru sweatdrop.  
See Tokaki panic.  
See Tatara laugh.  
Laugh, Tatara, laugh.

See Suzuno.  
See Suzuno sweatdrop.  
See Suzuno pretend not know the seishi who is dancing with another man.  
Avoid, Suzuno, avoid.

See Suzuno and Tatara seperated.  
See Suzuno old and sad.  
See Keisuke commenting on her wrinkles.  
See Suzuno embed a chair into Keisuke's head.  
Embed, Suzuno, embed!  
See Suzuno die.  
Poor Suzuno.  
See Suzuno reunite with Tatara who is still chanting his own name.  
See Suzuno sweatdrop.  
Sweatdrop, Suzuno, sweatdrop.

See Ashitare.  
See Ashitare with foot hanging from his mouth.  
Wonder why Ashitare is back in the picture.  
See the cave on Mount Black.  
See Tomite scare potential thieves away with his ice arrows.  
See thieves run right into Ashitare's path.  
Stupid, thieves, stupid.  
See Tomite snicker.  
See Hikutsu about to lose his lunch.

See Hikutsu.  
Hikutsu is a Genbu seishi.  
Hikutsu is dead and must guard the Shinzaho.  
Guard, Hikutsu, gaurd.

See Tomite who is in the same situation pace aimlessly.  
Pace, Tomite, pace.  
See them sit down to play a riveting game of Go Fish.  
Go Fish, Hikutsu, go fish.

See Shouka.  
See Shouka smile.  
Pretty, Shouka, pretty.  
See Shouka try to stab Miaka.  
See Shouka miss.  
Try harder, Shouka, try harder!  
See Shouka miss again.  
See Shouka sigh because no one can kill Miaka.

See Miaka call for Tamahome.  
See Miaka eat.

See Chiriko.  
See Chiriko get away.  
Come back, Chiriko, come back!  
See Chiriko run into Ashitare's path.  
See Ashitare lunge for Chiriko.  
Lunge, Ashitare, lunge.  
See Chiriko use the ancient Chinese philosophy that is when his hands are level with your head, your teeth are level with his groin.  
Howl, Ashitare, howl!  
Run, Chiriko, run!  
No!  
Come back, Chiriko, come back!

See Kouji run.  
See Kouji run fast!  
Run, Kouji, run!  
See Kouji run from a hoard of fangirls.  
See Kouji bump into Chichiri.  
See them both go down.  
See fangirls take them away.

See Mitsukake snrk.  
See Mitsukake try to pry off Laurelgand.  
Pry Mistukake, pry.  
See Mitsukake fail.

See Mitsukake get an idea!  
See Mitsukake do a strip tease!  
Strip, Mitsukake, strip!  
See Laurel get a nosebleed.  
See Laurel pass out.  
Run, Mitsukake, run!

See Nuriko laugh at everyone getting chased by their fangirls.  
See Nuriko get glomped by his fangirls AND boys.  
See Nuriko run for his 'lil gay life.  
Run, Nuriko, run!

---  
Standard Disclaimers Apply


	5. Volume V

Ancient Chinese Primers:

Volume V

Super Special OAV Special for Super Special Advanced Readers!

As the Tenkou Turns….

See Tenkou.

Tenkou is sad.

Why is Tenkou sad, why?

Is it because he has no friends?

No.

It is not because he has no friends.

Is it because he is evil?

No.

It is not because he is evil.

Is it because he was emotionally scarred when the Suzaku seishi kicked his

butt and sent him back to hell?

Yes.

It is because the Suzaku seishi kicked his butt and sent him back to hell.

Tenkou is very sad.

Poor sad Tenkou.

See Tenkou long for a constructive emotional outlet.

See Nuriko pop up out of nowhere.

See Nuriko teach Tenkou the finer points of being female.

See Tenkou cross-dress.

Cross-dress, Tenkou, cross-dress!

See Nuriko spray Tenkou with a bottle of perfume.

Spray, Nuriko, spray!

See that the bottle is labeled: Ashitare pheromones.

Uh-oh.

Naughty, Nuriko, naughty.

See Ashitare.

See Ashitare smell something _nice._

Smell, Ashitare, smell!

See Ashitare see Tenkou.

See Ashitare see Tenkou as a pretty wolf-girl.

See Ashitare fall head over heels in lust and chase after Tenkou.

See Tenkou run for it.

Run, Tenkou, run!

See Nuriko giggle.

Giggle, Nuriko, giggle

See Ren.

See Miiru.

Ren and Miiru are brother and sister.

They are in hell, too.

Are they in hell because they killed someone?

No.

They are not in hell because they killed someone.

Are they in hell because they ticked off Taiitsukun one to many times?

No.

They are not in hell because they ticked off the sunkaka baba one too many times.

Are they in hell because of their incestuous relationship?

Yes.

They are in hell because of their incestuous relationship.

Oh look! Ren and Miiru are in their bedroom having

lemonade and cookies.

See author shake head at perverted readers.

See Tenkou run to Ren and Miiru and shove them in front of Ashitare.

Bad, Tenkou, bad!

See Ren scream.

See Miiru scream.

See Ren and Miiru plow Tenkou over in their attempt to get away.

Plow, siblings, plow!

See Tenkou run.

See Ashitare continue his pursuit of his Honey bunny.

Persue, Ashitare, Persue!

Hikou is annoyed.

Is Hikou annoyed because he is annoying?

No.

Hiku is not annoyed because he is annoying.

Is Hikou annoyed because his best friend cross-dresses to escape fangirls no da?

No.

Hikou is not annoyed because his best friend cross-dresses.

Is Hikou annoyed because he got his wings stuck in the branches of a tree and can't get down?

Yes.

Hikou is annoyed because he's flown and he can't get down.

See Ren and Mirru run under Hikou's tree.

See Hikou laugh at them.

Laugh, Hikou, laugh.

See Tenkou run under Hikou's tree with Ashitare following him.

See Hikou sweatdrop.

Sweatdrop, Hikou, sweatdrop.

Is Hikou conent to stay in his tree now?

Yes.

Hikou wouldn't leave if you paid him.

See Tamahome.

But wait!

That is not Tamahome!

That is someone who looks like Tamahome because he has stolen Taka's memory balls!

Did Tenkou steal them?

Oh yes, naughty Tenkou stole Taka's balls.

Give them back, Tenkou, give them back!

See Tenkou run.

Run, Tenkou, run.

See Nuriko laugh.

Laugh, Nuriko, laugh.

See Nuriko laugh so hard that he upsets the bottle with Ashitare pheromones all over himself.

Uh-oh!

Ashitare is happy.

Is he happy because he is ambidextrous?

No.

He is not happy because he is ambidextrous.

Is he happy because Nakago gave him an Ashie-treat?

No.

He is not happy because Nakago gave him an Ashie-treat.

Is he happy because he has two new mates to choose from?

Yes.

He is very very happy because he has two new playmates.

See Tasuki and Chichiri do a comedy routine.

Comedy, guys, comedy!

Tasuki: Hey, Chichiri?

Chichiri: Yes, Tasuki?

Tasuki: You know why Taka can never remember things?

Chichiri: Why not, no da?

Tasuki: HE AIN'T GOT THE BALLS! AHAHHAHAHAHA

See Taka attack Tasuki.

Fight, boys, fight!

Intense clothes ripping action!

See all the characters pause and stare at author.

See author sweatdrop.

See author turn the page and write THE END in big letters.

Say Bye bye Everyone!

All: Bye bye, everyone!

_Owari_

_

* * *

  
_

Thanks for reading!

Wo Ai Ni, No Da!

Night~Mare


End file.
